I wanted to let you know that this is my expectation, Adnan – a colleague said to me during a work meeting. She went on to mention some technical details around the investment business matter which I couldn’t care less about because I zoned out at the word…”Expectation”.
My inner thought-emotion world took over where my mother was saying to me that dad has an expectation of an average mark of 80% in all the school, college and university subjects along with every life event. My immature brat self replied you do know we came through you, not to worship you.
My mother gasped, I guess she didn’t ‘expect’ that from a 9 year old. Especially when the same set of expectations had a different effect on my siblings. Both my older sisters seemed to get motivated and worked diligently towards provided expectations. Talk about ‘burnt parent syndrome’ and I understand poor mum was managing the expectations handed down to her as well.
This made me so curious about when I was given my first expectation? The irony of things I think about. I anticipate it’s from the moment we’re born. The doctor who cuts the umbilical cord expects us to cry to be assessed as functional. Thereafter, friends and relatives who look at us, their eyes light up and expect us to make some sound or any sound other than crying – talk about different expectations from the same action.
Then we grow up depending on the geography, religion, class/creed around us dictates the nature and complexity of expectations that we gather. I also see expectations having a strong tie in with the values that people hold around us. If I grew up in an Amish family, the belief and values will dictate the expectations that will be handed down to me. If I grew up on the streets of Vegas, the values would be quite different. It is funny that there is no global manual of reasonable expectations for social existence. The irony of situation dependent words.
Relatively, religions do have a reasonable expectation model around being pious and righteous which is exercised through virtues in practice. That is until, we humans bastardise it for our own self serving & narcissistic reasons. The goal then moves from the principles of the religion to ‘preservation of self-suiting expectations’. Which then usually become more widely adopted and famous for the beautiful global commercial modus operandi…Control…It is not about religion being the end, it becomes means to an end for the expected behavior.
Even before religions, tribes used to have expectations. If you go against the tribe we used to get ostracised, banished and probably eaten by a lion. Since we don’t live in the jungle anymore, one might ask, if your tribe is controlling you or limiting your purpose…you can leave and find a better community aligned with your values. Rest assured, the new community will also have guidelines with expectations, hopefully virtuous ones.
For example, In my opinion modern dating is a perfect example of this phenomenon. I am amazed that what one gender demands of the other gender is submissive compliance to their (self suiting) expectation of what that person should be – a real man or a real woman. Essentially a subtle way of requesting slavery to another person’s uncommunicated desires, aversions and opinions – within the romantic wrapper of connection, surviving capitalism and even love. The statement that I just love…love should be changed to…I love my expectations of love…being fulfilled through someone else’s existence.
You are a lover of your own experience...not of me...You turn to me to feel your own emotion
The parent child relationship is a prime example of where early childhood expectations can shape our character layers. Some say parents should have a gardener and flower relationship. The gardener should nurture them to become the best kind of flower that can be instead of forcing them to be a particular kind of flower. Personally, I am deeply fascinated with the intrinsic human need to procreate and then see them as an extension of themselves – to control, shape and at times play God with them. Again, I am just curious and empathise that parents are human too so flawed and fallible like any of us.
The full glory of expectations is felt in the work environment…given it is intricately linked to purpose and modern capitalism (avocado lifestyle and pursuit of happiness). The job contract is globally accepted as baseline expectation instead of the upper limit. The work ends up consuming everything and expects you to manage real life, bills, medical issues, kids and every breathing moment thinking about the boss’s team’s message and unclear email. I have personally asked from so many executives that; Is your employer expected to give you love, family and health bills…surprisingly all of them say…No…But most of them scoff and laugh at me for asking this question.
I will caveat that corporate slavery is a cult of its own and gives the title, ego and feeling of importance which I support if people choose it for themselves. The issue is around overreaching expectations from employers, some due to investment into employees, salary, societal contribution but largely due to the underlying purpose of…Order and Control…for meeting their objectives. Then again, they are working for shareholders’ expectations…which at times includes the everyday community, union or their superannuation holding funds.
Parents have expectations, families have expectations, culture has expectations, companies have expectations, shareholders have expectations and society has expectations…a part of me wonders where does the expectation economy stops and life begins. I feel we project our inner world (desires and fears) as expectations in hopes of controlling the uncontrollables…uncertainty, pain, struggle and maybe other humans…A part of human nature…
I understand at a base level it is the human way of expressing themselves to each other for connection. The primary human emotions of hope and fear paint the feeling associated with this situation dependent reference. So dear reader, whatever your initial feeling with that word, it shows your personal experience and deep seated inner narratives with the word ‘Expectations’.
I have a red flag in my head that whenever I am developing a strong opinion about anything, I ask myself, How can I be wrong? Then I go out to find objective evidence of how I can be wrong? So it turns out there are a lot of benefits of expectations too.
The word “expectation” originates from the Latin word “exspectātiō,” meaning “anticipation, an awaiting,” which itself derives from “expectare,” meaning “to look out for, await“.
‘I expect you to get well soon’ versus ‘I expected you to know what I wanted even if I haven’t communicated that to you’ – they both have an element of waiting and look out for but are worlds apart in terms of the impact it has on the person who is on the receiving end.
There are a lot of benefits to reasonable and ethical expectations as well. In Australia, the Royal Commission into Banking & Superannuation led to a key framework for enforceable actions by regulations namely ‘community expectations’.
In vanilla terms, Imagine you buy a packet of vegetable soup. You expect it to be filled with just vegetables. But when you make it, you find pieces of meat. Even though the packet doesn’t say “vegetarian,” you shouldn’t get surprises which are not expected from vegetable soup. This community-expected conduct was used as a yardstick to find banks guilty of misleading customers, bogus advice fees, charging deceased people fees for years and to date six of Australia’s largest banking and financial services institutions have paid or offered a total of $4.7 billion in compensation to over 1.5million customers.
Things get a little more complicated where the transactionality or exchange function isn’t that clear or kill the sanctity of the relationship. Like acts of generosity and love are only valid, when they’re done without expectations. If I have to convince my dad to love me, then he doesn’t love me. If I have to say certain things for someone to trust me, they don’t trust me. Even if I cajole them to trust me, the moment I stop the performance behaviour that relationship will fall apart.
Solution:
What I do know, at present, is that reasonable expectation comes down to deciphering first principles of wisdom from religious scriptures and philosophy. Especially, Immanuel Kant’s Golden Rule of; not treating others as a means to an end but as an end in themselves or wanting for others, what you want for yourself. So the key question becomes:
Are our expectations a means to an end or an end in themselves.
For example, I expect someone to achieve their dreams is an end in itself. I expect someone to look after my whims & irrational desires then the other person is a means and me feeling special at their expense is the end. I frequently remind myself of this golden rule in most of my dealings, being a proponent of philosophy and values based existence – I admit even after years of conscious practice, it’s an effort to embed this in my daily social interactions.
The second key thing I was able to learn from my self redflag optimisation was that:
Happiness = Reality — Expectations
It goes back to teachings of Marcus Aurelius that people are not disturbed by events, but their perceptions of events. You lost your job? Someone might view this as a sign of their inadequacy and become depressed. However, someone else might see it as a chance to learn and grow, or simply as a temporary setback.
How would you feel if you received a ‘B’ mark in a subject you were expecting an ‘F’? I will be quite stoked and instant happiness for me. Also, the degree of happiness also varies on the distance of reality and my initial expectation. For example, the happiness will be slightly mellow if I was expecting a B- in the subject.
Our problems are often not caused by reality, but our refusal to accept it. As reality doesn’t carry inherent positivity or negativity, it is broadly neutral. A tree does not know what is right and wrong. My thinking makes it so – that it is bent in the wrong way, it should lean the other way and better serve as a paper etc.
Lastly, something that I have learnt from the social expectation exchange programs of three decades or so is that uncommunicated expectations lead to poorer outcomes, unnecessary disconnection and even prolonged resentments. Especially, in personal relationships a lot of what is said, was meant to be said and what is understood is a pandora’s box…that is…unless both parties have established good intent irrespective of the context of the situation.
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
Let our expectations be a means to virtuous ends and lead to better lives for everyone they touch in day to day interaction. I will admit after writing this piece, I am less unsettled by the word Expectations – it prompts me to direct my self-focus towards others and be curious about what they are looking out for, hoping and awaiting instead of projecting my narratives. I even use it in meetings now, so what are we expecting to achieve now? I wasn’t expecting that to happen at all when I started writing this article…so as per the equation above…Instant Happiness 🙂!
Do you think there are areas of your life where your expectations are keeping you from getting the happiness that you desire in life? Can you recall where expectations have led to instant happiness and disappointments? Are there life experiences and patterns where expectations have shaped your attitude and personality?
A simple daily practice can be, saying this equation out loud (Happiness is reality minus expectations) whenever you don’t get a parking spot quickly in the mall or your morning turmeric latte doesn’t quite hit the spot…as you get more and more curious about your expectations….So much to learn and so much to grow….
…and I ‘expect’ you will manifest the greatness that’s destined for you…I can’t wait to hear about it.
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