Disclaimer (a standard placeholder in my posts now): I swear this is not a sadistic post to demonise the most precious thing in life. So please don’t hang me for the Disney & Rom-com fetishes, seriously this is a post to celebrate love – like the actual one which gives life meaning, worth living for and the one which is done without conditions and expectations. Also, all the fallacies, patterns are gender neutral, they are completely interchangeable for men & women. I know despite different physiological constructs, both genders, bleed red, have two ears and eyes and more importantly are vain, self-centred, seek attention, addicted to admiration, self-serving, always dissatisfied with what they have and constantly obsess & idealise what they don’t have, look to manipulate and get manipulated for whatever they have surrender their self-worth to – as sadly they are both HUMANS and suffer from the shortcomings of being one! P.S. Apologies in advance for free hand examples and expletive language – this is a strictly ‘R Rated’ article for adults.
I remember when I was child, being a privileged son and offspring of an insecure overachiever minority family. My dad worked as a surgeon and he’s awesome at serving humanity and so and so. Whenever, my father was working late every night, my mother used to say to me your father works day and night (as it was usually 2am most days) to pay for my education, bills and making sure we (me and my sisters) are fed and enjoy the luxurious life we had built at that point in time. Being the divergent thinker, I asked her, didn’t he had bills before I was born? I am sure he will have bills after I die? Plus, didn’t you guys made us, so how about taking accountability and responsibility for your actions?
Poor mum, I didn’t judge her as she was told you’re only a good parent, if, your children worship you and are submissive to your every whim and/or desire – essentially that every family is a mini-church and don’t worry if no one else believe in you, start your own cult by breeding your own. Guilt is a very power tool for conforming people, a tool of choice for parents, after all the true power of guilt isn’t understood until you see religions. But this human nature of using guilt, religion, social constructs i.e. identity, race, class, creed & culture isn’t a new trait. Hell, I think Hitler used guilt e.g. Germany not being treated fairly in WW-1 to actually incite his death rampage on the world. But I think this bargaining of submission for respect, loyalty for affection and so and so – structural fostering of ‘conditional, transactional and/or means to an end love’ was designed for something of an economic function for making everything a ‘trade agreement’. When you bargain for happiness, love, respect – you kill it sanctity and not to mention it feels shitty if you have to convince your parents to love you.
Being said that I love my parents so much, like so much, that I tell them they are full of shit at times and are as humans as me. Therefore, my mum kind of checked out when I said to her – We came through you, but not to worship you, plus that’s forbidden as per the religion you have claimed to follow!
Back to the core theme – for some reason, we have romanticised the IDEA of LOVE more than LOVE itself. I think it's an open secret that Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet – not as a mental boner but as a satire – there was a girl and a boy, who were basically young kids, their families were enemies, they fell on love and it was so much that they took it with them to next world, life and ground.
True love is based on CHOICE and not NEED. The issue with people who grew up in conditionally loving families (majority of us), as in who were only appreciated for the benefit they provided (achievements, loyalty, submissive obedience, conflict avoidance) to their parents and/or immediate circle and internalised that that is the basis for all relationships - benefits received and provided. Your future relationships will be based on you moulding yourself to fit other people's needs by sacrificing your identity & self-respect. Not only that, you will subconsciously manipulate others to fit your needs rather than take care of it yourself - No matter how you view it, it's the emblem of toxic relationships.
- Is there a specific reason, why women must sacrifice their career & ambition to be serious about settling down? Since this is ‘woke & outrage porn’ era how come we can’t work towards a better reality where to perform a natural human existential function she has to compromise her identity and purpose. This is still a global problem, looking at the pace of progression to reverse the systematic oppression of one gender (wage, opportunity & skill set gap), which impacts both genders in a negative way due to structural equilibrium or over-correction. If we paint someone as victim and other as oppressor, it doesn’t matter if someone actively believes that or not – it’s a narrative. At times, this narrative gets abused in a full on ‘Gone Girl’ fashion in court houses. Try reading the transcripts where men are physically/emotionally abused in relationships – where the victim starts as an accused due to this narrative.
- I had another minority background friend, who was studying in Australia. She said that her mother used to trace her location when she moved to Australia around a couple of times a day through her phone. She only does it because she loves me. I asked her if she would do that to her partners or kids in future, she says maybe, then I tell her that it’s classified as psychological abuse under Australian law as coercive control.
- I love how definition of vanity has also evolved in the age of social media. I don’t think social media is the issue, its definitely US. You see women tying their hair to the back with comments like – When he has had a hard day at work – insinuating strength & pleasures in relationship, WTF. You want a medal for su****g each other off now? Also, the vanity project now requires you to do commending videos on how loving, caring & pious their partner is in real life – which is captured by a well-timed camera.
- I have a lot of friends, who are emotionally repressive – they keep a stiff lip and keep on doing what they were conditioned their life purpose was i.e. school, degree, title, bank account, wife and a children etc. Surprisingly, a lot of them had drama queen partners, who made up for their emotional repression. On surface, they were the nice guys who keep up with he demands, but in reality – it completed them and they were the ‘ENABLERS‘ of that behaviour. As they were codependents and addicted to external validation, this cave man who is a the nice guy title act suited them quite well. They weren’t only being manipulated, they were also manipulating others for people pleasing and external validation. So technically, the nice guys isn’t the nice guy because he has scruples, ethics, morality and altruism – he only does that to get the validation, approval and misplaced sense of societal importance. We won’t talk about the drama kings & queens here, because I think I have written enough about that human condition.
- It’s amazing the nature of narratives humans assign to themselves, for the simple reason of being human – creating a moral separation between us and our need to invent meaning of the world with OURSELVES as the LORD & SAVIOUR!. I knew a guy who was an SES/Emergency Worker – they are angles who save towns from burning, people dying on the street, have strenuous working hours and have a career with direct social contribution which generates a lot of meaning, fulfilment and satisfaction – but then as Devil says – VANITY is my favourite sin. Due to the work requirement, attention, contribution they often want the world to compensate them for their sacrifice. I remember he said the purpose of my life is sacrifice and picking up broken tree branches so people can live their lives, but then the irony was, he wanted his partners & girlfriends to be available for him and make him feel special for the God’s work that he carries out. I was like well, that’s your calling and you do that for yourself. Why should other people give up their life, needs & schedules to make up for your so called unconditional charity – perhaps it’s the addiction to attention & validation which needs to be fulfilled by friends, family and loved ones. Again, someone blaming someone else to take responsibility of their actions and emotions. That is one of the reason I try to steer clear from individuals in social sector (Doctors, Nurses, Emergency Workers etc etc) who lack self-awareness – I don’t have enough data set so just a comment not verdict. However, did you know a lot voluntary firefighters turn into arsonist in Australia? – I know it’s insane. How can someone who protects lives and belonging for the good of humans do that. Well most of them get addicted to being treated as Gods for a few weeks, miss the attention and face depleted self esteem. So they light fires – to get the dopamine hit of societal importance. Don’t be surprised, if you find a lot of the news are churned and fostered the same way!
- I am very empathetic and aware of every human’s right to physiological and psychological safety (Universal Human Rights – UN). Due to the inherited narrative and our internalising of the same, as gospel – like other things in culture & society. I had a friend who was a new age man, a vulnerable & emotionally expressive man. He had a lot of women comment that you can’t protect me, you are soft – you’re not a man. It’s not the women’s fault that they grew up in environment which taught that everything that moves and lives is ‘hostile’ and they’re the gem on the face of earth which has 7 billion people. Subsequently, I asked him, what would say, if you went to a women and said that you want her to ‘be a women’ just to satisfy your ‘physical’ needs? He said she would say that you should get a sex worker and/or someone who does this as a normal living (No judgement here, we all have to do what we can do to survive). Then I replied, then you can tell her to hire a bodyguard and pay rather than abusing other humans for convenience, we don’t live in caves anymore, well it’s echo chambers of Instagram and Tiktok algorithms! – Note, humans do not oscillate between mental consciousness and unconsciousness, they only move between the levels of ‘unconsciousness’.
- I used to know a family whose mother and father glorified the fact that the brothers spy on their only daughter– follow her to university, shopping malls and other places in UK. They felt they must give a character certificate for how trustworthy she is in life. I wonder how a person wouldn’t develop trust issues, because of being subjective to this invasion of their privacy and life. Again, the irony of such natural patterns is, the people can’t trust others, cannot be trusted. Also, has anyone thought that those tools of brothers will end up doing the same with their spouses in future? Who knows may be they will be equally culturally conditioned and think – it’s because they are overprotective and possessive – perhaps it means I am precious! (In Gollum’s voice)
- I have seen a marital breakups that are worth being movies and books on their own. But one of the most profound has been from a nearest and dearest of friend, who is a codependent, has been culturally conditioned to be a people pleaser and the cherry on top being brown is an insecure overachiever as well (love you bro). Their relationship was the shit dumpster on fire – the malignant narcissist (victim) and the codependent (saver) relationship – there’s a separate piece on it to cover the topic in much more comprehensive detail – Narcissists & Codepdendents: A match made in heaven; but a true hell for the world!. Anyhow, this was a relationship built on inequity – a fake God and a disciple, who believed that’s how marriages work and you have to approach it like a second job. Result, she allegedly tried to kill him and my nephew (true story). I remember when he used to tell me, he had to share all social media passwords, bank account passwords with her – to build trust in marriage. I was like, this seems like an invasion of privacy and psychological prison. If that was not enough, she put a phone software on his phone and tracked his location – to accuse him of cheating and drawing google maps data and not going to the office. Later based on that initial epiphany he was informed to get records from a global financial institution of his key card to prove his innocence to the accuser – the love of his life and his partner in sickness and health. Note, he is equally at fault if not more, but not having sensible & mature adult and productive boundaries with his spouse. Keeping the blame game and accusations aside, I believe no human relationship should be continued if contempt and distrust has reached to the level of coercive control and active emotional abuse.
- In the guy world, whenever we come across someone who is from a different generation. I often receive this advice, that marry someone young for reasons other than compatibility & life stages. They say – “you can mould her”. I was like mould her into what? She is complete and perfect in her life for herself. It took me a long time realise, one of the core human fetishes, is to control & dominate and play God with others. Well, what can I say, I come from a culture where parents try to do it with their children. So I wouldn’t be surprised if the men and women from those families perpetuate the tradition of unconscious mind. Funnily, I was watching trashy TV & guilty pleasure ‘Married at First Sight Australia’ and a relatively older female contestant (Age: 36) commented on a younger man (Age: 25 years) – He is a pot of GOLD. The dude’s onscreen wife doesn’t understand, SHE COULD MOULD HIM into any shape 😂😂
- I often get surprised when I come across children from cross-religious marriages who – HATE religion, the concept, the ritual and the whole caboodle. When you ask a little more information, one of them had to convert to another religion (compromise their identity) to be with the person they love, supposedly. The funny thing is that it’s a human power & dominance thing where their father & mother didn’t even practice the religion they wanted the other spouse to adopt as a marital & family condition. Sadly, the trauma of capitulation to another faith, leaving the one you were born with and practised to a varying degree for another’s ego feeds in as a source of emotional despair of the next generation. They remember who religion caused their parents to grow apart, or resentful – sadly, they never blame the actors for forcing/surrendering the self-worth because its easier to blame religions.
- I had a friend who was good looking, rich, smart, intelligent and had a lot of potential. My favourite author says the best thing about people is also the worst thing about them. The hyper good virtues also generate the equal vice, which stays with us like a shadow. He was addicted to gambling. He believed it’s true love – if someone accepts all of him, the good the bad, the way he is – the demanded version of love. I said to him that well, when you gamble with your own money that is fine, when someone takes you as a partner, they inherit your debts as well. He said to me, isn’t all addiction bad. I was like, well depends on which core values it compromises for you to get the high. For instance, idealism & moral righteousness is as bad as any other addiction – it gives you a feeling of moral superiority while contributing nothing morality & world and the insta-feed does not count. He said to me then how come the women who are addicted to vulgarity, showing too much skin, require excessive admiration, slave to external validation by fun and profane ways – are presented as positive feminism, isn’t that an uncontrollable external and shitty value? Also, when someone says I need someone open minded & easy going, aren’t they asking for the same thing? Because when you inherit them, you also get the life contract of servicing the public with subtle c***tease!
- [Unpopular Opinion] On a related but side note which isn’t coming from anchoring bias or conservatism or plaster saint moral righteousness but general observation. I think this is one domain where there is deep inequity between men and women, I know Rihanna has started to approach it, BORAT is a big supporter of the cause, but how come a women can walk in park half naked and it’s ’empowering’ but if someone stares out of curiosity & general attraction to non-standard, naked things & wiring of DNA – then what’s wrong with you animals, they cannot control their hormones and how dare they see my ass cheeks which are practically in their face. I have thought of a solution, men should also have equitable clothes, where like half of their genitals are out in the jeans, like of their balls is out and rest of the bloke is inside the jeans. I think if I have the private parts hanging out in public the way is for counter gender, it will help to drive some equality, or contribution to the rat race of vulgarity in the name of empowerment – but I guess its more around which beauty sells more – random thought and unreserved apology for the crude handwriting, same as the topic.
- I remember a friend, who was oddly baffled with the level of closeness of his wife and her family. Being married, he admitted it was hard to get close to her as she said, my father is watching us so we can’t be intimate. I feel my father is standing next to us. Well, in her books that’s display of love. For a married man, this can be quite tormenting that he has a life partner, who emotionally & mentally and physically vested in another household and world. But then again, if he loves her, he has to love her dad as much as she does. Her father, also took the liberty to show up at the newlyweds house unannounced and told my mate, he has ruined her stomach by feeding her spicy food. Being the kind of guy I am, I just said why don’t you request his dad to be intimate with you, because that’s the ultimate show of love right! Yeah, he didn’t like it and was quite pissed before laughing it off. I also was in a relationship with an girl, in the name of strong bond and family values, she often missed talking all night with her brother on the bathroom floor (who lived in another country), often woke up crying saying her mother (who also lives in another country doesn’t have a car and doesn’t get along with sister in laws) and I wasn’t allowed to ask if we can pay attention to life on this continent or plan for what are we going to eat today or focus on life in our flesh, we had to live it through the family’s nostrils – well I too was expected to accept, support and perhaps cry with her on earth shaking matters, because after all, it’s all love which requires you to sacrifice your existence for someone’s familial conditioning. I exactly did what you – got away from crazies, life is too short for such ‘cults’!
- I had a female friend, who regularly admits that the day she maxes out her husband’s credit cards – which happens once a month. She makes sure that she satisfies him extra in those nights that he won’t be able to pay attention to the bills. She thought it was normal and a lot of other females – of course the fund my lifestyle babies, I am worth it types ‘Agreed’. I was talking to a psychologist, he was shocked and said, that is not right as the relationship is transactional now. It is no longer a marital institution; it is a transactional arrangement. I said to him – well now you know most developing country marriages are all transactional of some sorts – depending on your Maslow’s hierarchy of needs i.e., food, shelter, fund my lifestyle as daddy’s about to die, you take care of me and I will give you children, Instagram, wedding dresses, industries, self-worth, and notoriety.
(Thanks for reading till this point)
Conclusion:
Don’t get me wrong it feels good when someone wants you, needs you, respects you but if you have cajoled them into loving, respecting and needing you – then it’s not love – it’s most likely transaction arrangement for satisfying some NEED and/or WANT rather than love. Love in itself is narcissistic; we want someone to love us as much as we love ourselves. I would draw the line same as every other thing in life. Your need, asphyxiation, desire for love, like any other crusade (hope, purpose and/or fulfilment) for money, religion, culture, hope can & should never mean more than someone’s humanity – their right to physiological and psychological safety. If your love requires someone to sacrifice their identity, self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem – then you need to find better ways to love those close to you. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it.
Ask yourself, in relationships where men trade sex and/or physical intimacy for love and women trade materialism and/or sustainability - what happens, when sex is forced or dries out? Or when you get fired, your industry gets disrupted or economy goes into recession - 'law of impermanence' which impacts everyone and everything, the reason no relationship can-t be guaranteed in life. More importantly, what if the conditionality comes at the expense of someone's humanity?
Result: Around 70% of divorces in US (probably most places in the world) are due to or caused by financial struggles & issues and probably same percentage (%) is the reason why men leave their older partners for younger women [60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children]. The highest proportion of homelessness in Australia is made up of Women in their 50s who are single or divorced. Females accounted for 81.7% of the 6000+ increase in national homelessness since 2016 (Total Female: 53k)
Remember things which have real value and meaning in life (trust, respect, happiness and love) are achieved without conditions and transactions – to bargain for them is dismantle their core premise & sanctity. The best way to do this is by example, of course, by showing unconditionality by being unconditional yourself. The best way to teach someone to love is by loving them, without expecting to be loved back. And you don’t force the love or trust or respect on him/her — after all, that would make those things conditional — you simply give them, understanding that at some point that persons transactional and/or bargaining will fail and he’ll understand the value of unconditionality when he’s ready.
Don’t wish for a better life, BE a better life (Excerpt: Everything is F*cked – Mark Manson). I have to admit it’s easier said than done, it’s hard being unconditional in a hyper conditional world. I remember Rumi quotes, ego is the veil between man/woman and God – perhaps it’s the veil of conditionality!
Image: iStock Purchase
References:
- Most of the examples quoted in the article are data points which have collated across three continents, across different class, creed, cultures and my useless existence – you’re welcome!
- Firefighter arson: part 3 – a case study
- Love is not enough – Mark Manson
- Think Again – Adam Grant
- Thinking Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman
- Everything is F*cked! – Mark Manson
