Disclaimer: The purpose of this post is not to scorn or ostracise personality disorders. It is to develop a methodical understanding of presently available memoranda so we can cure ourselves from ourselves; through self-awareness, self-reflection and deep-rooted sense of finding something more important than ourselves! Also, this article is about people, irrespective of gender and nature of relationship (applicable for all personal dealings). Why write this article – well the people who have personality disorders, they feel pretty great but it’s the ones who are around them, chose to love them, born with them or be with them, they’re usually ‘miserable’.
We all know that couple – who are picture perfect, say the right things, do the right things and take pictures at the right time etc etc – to later find out they had a topsy turvy relationship and it was all a façade, mere front with nothing tangible in it. A couple of months and sometimes even years later, it goes down in terrific fashion with hefty legal bills, bitter abuse accusations by both parties and even restraining orders (AVOs). In my limited experience, majority of these relationships have compatibility and chemistry gaps – but almost all of them feature a lack of ‘self-awareness’ and accountability for actions/emotions by both individuals.
There are healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships. The difference is quite simple, in healthy relationships, two people solve their own issues i.e. take responsibility for their own actions and emotions to feel good about each other. In unhealthy relationships, two people solve each other’s issues i.e., by either blaming others or over accepting responsibility of other person’s emotions and actions to feel good about themselves. Let’s decipher their psychology to understand the deep-rooted flaws in human construct which promotes these unhealthy and at times abusive attachments. Everyone has some level of narcissism and dependency, it’s necessary part of a functional human being – but when it’s uncontrollable, addictive and disproportionate, it’s a disease which needs to be treated.
Voila my personalised summary for identifying if someone is a narcissist or codependent or both depending on the situation, they will depict multiple symptoms (not a medical diagnosis but meta analysis & evidence based information) on the list below:-
Narcissists (Convenient Victims)
Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. N.B. The signs and severity of these symptoms (may) vary. People with the disorder usually depict:
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance/regard. Need to feel special at others expense.
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant and excessive admiration.
Expect to be recognised as superior even without achievements that warrant it or established merit. Also, exaggerate achievements and talents to appear superior.
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty and/or the perfect partner.
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people.
Monopolise conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior. React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior.
Expect special treatment/favors at all times and unquestioning compliance with their expectations.
Take advantage of others to get what they want or constantly use others as a means to ‘their’ never ending/forever changing ends.
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognise the needs and feelings of others.
Are insecure and envious of others and believe others envy them.
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious.
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office, best children, perfect life and winning keeping up with Jones’s/Kardashian or whatever they can see!
- Have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:
Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment.
- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behaviour.
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. The self-aggrandiser mode is a ‘fight/flight’ mode to cover the façade they maintain while being never at peace in their own mind.
Remember 3 E’s for their interactions – a) Exploitative, b) Entitlement and c) Empathy Impairment – usually crazy people or a**holes for short.
Codependents (Desperate Savers)
Signs and symptoms of codependency. N.B. The signs and severity of these symptoms (may) vary. People with this disorder usually depict:
Constant need for reassurance that they are liked/loved.
High demand for attention.
Sacrificing one’s identity for people pleasing.
Failure to take responsibility for own emotions; they agree to take responsibility for what really belongs to others (over-accepting).
Discomfort in being alone.
They fear abandonment or have an obsessive need for approval.
They cannot detach themselves or their worth from other people do or feel.
It is hard for them to identify their own feelings.
They lack trust in themselves and have poor self-esteem.
They don’t trust others could really love them for who you are; unless you become their saver/provide some benefit.
They struggle to set and hold healthy boundaries.
They value approval of others more than they value themselves.
Source: American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5-TR). In Australia, the DSM-5 is now the primary system for identifying mental health conditions.
Punchline: Predictably, these two types of people (Narcissist and Codependents) are drawn strongly to one another. Their pathologies match one another perfectly – ‘The one who demands others should sacrifice themselves for them and a martyr who constantly seeks for a sword to fall on!’
Read More: Survival Guide to Modern Dating: Swiping Toxic Attachments, Manipulation, Fetishes and Matching Self-Discovery — The Better Way!
People (Victims/Narcissists i.e. Covert/Malignant) who blame others for their own emotions and actions do so because they believe that if they put the responsibility on those around them, they’ll receive the love they’ve always wanted and needed. If they constantly paint themselves as a victim, eventually someone will come to save them. Conversely, people (Savers/Codependents) who take the blame for other people’s emotions and actions are always looking to save someone. They believe that if they can “fix” their partner, then they will receive the love and appreciation they’ve always wanted.
Victims and savers both get kind of an emotional high off one another (It’s like a junkie’s hit for another round of cocaine – but they get high on self-worth, insecurities, subjective measures of ideal life and mostly fantasy addiction). It’s like an addiction they fulfil in one another, and when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or a lack of “chemistry.” They’ll pass on healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner’s solid boundaries will not excite the loose emotional boundaries of the needy person. This, the makeup – breakup carousel wheel of misery which is inherited by these relationships while having spill over impacts on the world around them.
This is what happens in these narcissist/codependent relationships. The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved. In both cases, the intentions are needy and therefore unattractive and self-sabotaging.
From an Attachment Theory perspective, victims tend to be avoidant-attachment types, and savers tend to be anxious-attachment types (See more below). Or as I like to call them: crazy people and assholes. Both often push away secure-attachment types – images at the end of the article which provide traits of attachment types (Excerpt: The subtle art of not giving a f*ck)
You’ll notice, neediness, insecurity, destabilised self esteem, dwindling psycological stability and boundaries are a common theme across both peeps. It is possible that some people will be more avoidant in one domain/area of life and relationships and they will be anxious in another area or domain. For example, women are avoidant about s*x and anxious about the collective commercial fallacy of love. Men might be avoidant around their feelings and will be anxious about loneliness.
READ MORE: Why Non-neediness is a pre-requisite for anything attractive in life!
Why do people have these disorders – there are myriad of reasons, but the most common ones are personal, social and cultural conditioning. Here are some examples:
- A guy who was abused/suppressed by his father’s insecurities will look to enforce the same behaviour due to fear/neuroplasticity with his partner/spouse. If he grew up in a house with dominant mother and submissive father, he will pick the cues of seeking the same or polar opposite. This explains like 95% of the toxic masculinity that you see in everyday life which is based on aetiology – patriarchy meant that men were dominant, so we have to be dominant, not share our issues/emotions and being prone to mental health disorders.
- A girl who was suppressed by her father/family will look to most dominant male figures as oppressors and will have a need to pick random fights with people to counter that denial of her humanity. She also will subconsciously look for cues for what not to look for what their parents had i.e., one dominant and one submissive partner. A safe choice would be to become dominant, again due to fear. So, the damsel in distress and nice guy, is essentially, her conditioning.
- The other scenario can be personal conditioning or culture – where entitlement is instilled into the individual irrespective of surrounding. The parents who constantly carry their kids around, take responsibility for their actions and emotions irrespective of gender, breed narcissistic ass-hats – pure simple. These people have been told never to take accountability for their actions, it’s someone else’s responsibility to maintain their false fetish with themselves – I rock and all you suck, so give me special treatment syndrome.
- At times, I feel that the individual’s checklist (male or female) is a Wish list of their parents, whatever they lacked in each other. For example, if there was power struggle between their parents, fear or insecurity, scarcity of love/money, they will seek to counter that in their search for a partner. Also, some extreme examples include:
- Mama’s boys justify hitting their wives because they love their mum, and she wants the chick to be a certain way. Daddy’s princesses’ psychologically abuse guys because she is an over-pampered spoilt brat and loved too much and she needs the right to deny someone’s humanity to feel loved.
Narcissists are home-baked but their externalities are felt everywhere they breathe, work, formulate relationships and dealings. The best source on this topic is here – “How children grow up to be narcissists”. I particularly like the story of an intelligent, independent and hard-working lady named Cindi:
- Cindi was the personal assistant of the CEO of her company. She admired him and lived to serve him. She felt special through association with him. She treasured any small bits of praise that she had received over the years from him and kept all the holiday and birthday cards that he had given her. Cindi never married because she was so focused on her job and had narcissistic values herself. Whenever she met men who wanted to date her, they always seemed lacking compared to her boss. As she explained to one of her girlfriends, “After working so closely with my boss, other men just seem too inferior to bother with.”
- In some households, being a narcissist is the only SANE solution. As everyone is on another level of psychological instability. This overt focus on feeding just yourself, ensuring survival at the means to your end performs the primary reason for humans having this natural emotion – we need to feel something about ourselves, to feel something about the world.
In my personal experience in socially disadvantaged areas or developing countries (Food & Shelter – main worries of life) and minority cultures middle class educated/professional men are raised as ‘Codependents’ as their self-esteem and self-worth being linked to title, degree, bank account, entrepreneurship, social importance and women are raised as malignant and/or covert narcissists where they are promised someone who would keep perpetuating their over-pampered lifestyle, whims and ostentatious needs including retirement. This is primarily due to non-equitable treatment of a gender (females) in all domains, more so explicitly in developing countries where they don’t have avenues for education, decent & respectable employment and their life & self-worth being linked to marriage (mostly the dress and day) and their ability to reproduce. That collective resentment shines through the next generation. In the next generation, you have men who can’t talk about their feelings and commit suicide or toxic masculinity which abuses the other gender, and you have women who are either abused or are entitled to the core who commit psychological & physical, emotional abuse and financial abuse. Not all injustices are equal, concerns should be based on merit – rather than gender. After all its human mistreatment of another human in the name of culture, relationships, religion and everything which suits the perpetrator.
- As of late empirical research has validated same patterns in Western Youth into origins of narcissism, demonstrate that narcissism in children is cultivated by parental overvaluation: parents believing their child to be more special and more entitled than others. In contrast, high self-esteem in children is cultivated by parental warmth: parents expressing affection and appreciation toward their child. These findings show that narcissism is partly rooted in early socialization experiences, and suggest that parent-training interventions can help curtail narcissistic development.
One of the ways humans protect themselves is by hurting and often abusing others. Just because we are hurt, that doesn't give us the right to bleed on everyone or ask for compensation for the experienced tragedy
Solution:
Another way to think about it is when you have these murky areas of responsibility for your emotions and actions — areas where it’s unclear who is responsible for what, who’s at fault, why you’re doing what you’re doing — you never develop a solid identity for yourself. Without an identity, developing self-respect and self-esteem and worth isn’t possible and we lose ourselves. (Excerpt: Subtle Art of Not giving a F*ck!)
Relationships are based on egalitarianism/equitability, respect and healthy boundaries, period!
When relationships are egalitarian rather than vertical (boss/employee, parent/child etc.) it demands that we should have confidence in others and not try to manage or manipulate (or be manipulated). Our societies have somewhat solved their basic needs (food and shelter), our challenges have also evolved in line with hierarchy of needs i.e., love, self-esteem and self-actualisation – I acknowledge it’s a privileged question, but it’s the next step in the evolution of consciousness.
In simpler terms, as quoted in Fight Club – “We’re the middle children of the history, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives”.
One of the reasons I wanted to write this article, much like other things, has been due to perpetual curiosity around the diversity of human behaviour across the bell-curve of existence, neuroplasticity & associated personal experiences, trauma, reading etc. I found a lot of answers in wisdom which has been around for ions. The only rational & logical pathway is to convert our own life experiences into constructive and productive actions which have positive impact on ourselves and people we love and care for in life.
We promote personal accountability by taking responsibility of our actions & emotions and working on our flaws and modelling that behaviour which inspires others to SELF-HEAL. As you can't teach a man or woman anything, you can only help them find it within themselves. Don't wish for a better life, BECOME a better life!
Know that it is necessary to endure pain to help rid ourselves of our selfishness, jealousy & pride. Instead of fighting with the world, kill your EGO
P.S. True love is based on CHOICE and not NEED. The issue with people who grew up in conditionally loving families (majority of us), as in who were only appreciated for the benefit they provided (achievements, loyalty, submissive obedience, conflict avoidance) to their parents/immediate circle and internalised that that is the basis for all relationships – benefits received and provided. Your future relationships will be based on you moulding yourself to fit other people’s needs by sacrificing your identity & self-respect. Not only that, you will subconsciously manipulate others to fit your needs rather than take care of it yourself – No matter how you view it, it’s the emblem of toxic relationships.
Sources:
- Origins of Narcissism in Children – Eddie Brummelmana,b,1, Sander Thomaesb,c, Stefanie A. Nelemansd, Bram Orobio de Castrob, Geertjan Overbeeka, and Brad J. Bushmane,f
- The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck! – Mark Manson
- American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition
- Compatibility vs Chemistry – Mark Manson
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- What are the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
- How Do You Know If Someone Is a Narcissist?
- The 4 Types of Narcissism You Need To Know
- The psychology of narcissism – W. Keith Campbell
- How to work with a Manipulative Person – HBR
- Insta@mymentalhealthspace and [email protected]
- Headine Images: Insta @ Pollynor and Insta@avrykua
*If you make a sacrifice for someone you care about, it needs to be because you want to, not because you feel obligated or fear the consequences of not doing so. Acts of love are only valid if they’re performed without conditions or expectations – Mark Manson
