The root of all unattractiveness is neediness; the reason for all attractiveness is non-neediness. Neediness essentially means placing a higher priority on what other thinks of you than what you think of yourself – Mark Manson.
Disclaimer: The purpose of the catharsis is to find what is right instead of focusing on who is right. I believe we should act like scientists, which are committed to the ‘pursuit of truth’, even if it ends up proving ourselves wrong.
Neediness can manifest in all forms and domains of human expression and relations e.g., physical, psychological, to be someone, situations to be your way, discontentment with What Is and wanting it to be something else. Generally, humans have an amazing sensor for picking up neediness and distancing themselves from this passive manipulation and unattractive behaviour – Yoo-hoo, stalker alert!
We all get needy from time to time. An overly independent person will see someone who has a more balanced approach to relationships as being needy. Most humans, no matter how independent, in times of turmoil such as physical, loss, trauma or financial stress depict signs of neediness – let’s call it situational neediness, which requires compassion more than anything as we all get to that point sooner or later.
However, the mantra of this post is to isolate the modern neediness, which makes us unattractive, exploitative and passively/actively harmful to others. More importantly it makes us stand in our own way. Deep down neediness leads to people pleasing, compromising our identity and self interest in order to feel important or get accepted by someone. A profound learning for me in life was, people pleasing is a form of manipulation – as you alter your reality for an outcome, is exploitative and involves using others as a means to an end.
Dale Carnegie wrote what is the difference between appreciation and cheap praise – one is sincere and the other is insincere. The former uses the recipient as an ‘end’, the latter uses the recipient as a ‘means to their end’.
Modern Neediness:
In psych terms, codependence is excessive physical and psychological reliance on someone other than yourself. Since in social arrangements and relationships nothing is guaranteed – same as the weather.
So it’s like an unhealthy attachment which and if pervasive or subliminal causes more self harm than good and fosteres deep seated PERSONAL INADEQUACY – which then requires constant compensation through performance behaviours/manipulation to close this inferiority gap.
I also feel social conditioning, just like any conditioning promotes codependency mainly for survival purposes and attached prejudice/belief and/or commercial function. For instance, the gender role based social conditioning, that is men are (ought to be) a degree, title, bank account, wife and children and women need to be homely, pretty, seeking sustainability and in need for saviour/help, not allowed here/there – this essentially just ensures commercial function, infrastructure, workers and reproduction. You are right to apprehend that I have simplified this arrangement, however, this is one stereotype which is empirically tested (across 10,000 Humans from 37 Cultures) through meta-studies across all cadences e.g., social classes, literacy models and religions i.e., men value age/beauty and women value money/sustainability – Read more. As with scientific and social studies you can disagree with their data/conclusion and send a PDF request to the research institute informing that you feel otherwise.
So, if I was to continue my overly simplified, subjective prism-based analogy: Places like Saudi Arabia promotes codependence of roles-based marital relationships to maintain patriarchy of monarchy and ensure that it perpetuates year after year by tailoring a religion to their advantage. We can have concerts and performers, but women can’t go to malls on their own.
On the other hand, places like America promotes codependence on capitalism to live a life, where you feel you’re worthy enough. You are born free, but hostage to power, fame, notoriety and climbing the echelons of subjective classes of society to feel good about yourself – make sure you contribute by student loans, credit card debts, voting systems and a life in a rat race to feel you’re enough.
Some common symptoms that are easily treatable if you don’t buy the latest smart phone and iPad – instead use that money to see a counsellor or psychologist. It is always good idea to get competent, independent and objective help for our self-sabotaging traits that might be holding us back:
Low Self-Esteem:
Self-Image:
People Pleasing:
Lack of boundaries:
Loved by:
True love is based on choice and not need! You might confuse them or mistake them to be the same. But if you're filling a void and I mean any kind of void i.e. loneliness, companionship, affection, belonging, self validation, then it's a need.
Solution:
Developing self-awareness, curiosity, compassion for self and others. Pursuing a life that is based on wisdom, justice, decent virtues and good values (constructive, evidence based and internal) will keep you from acting like an a**hole for humanity but mostly to ‘yourself’.
This is the point, where I realise, I wanted to write a post on non-neediness and like always get distracted by the ironies of the opposite.
Non-neediness is you getting your feeling of importance/desire to be great through your being, internally validated metrics and self-knowledge. It quintessentially means living a life that is true to your values. A life that ensures that what you say is what you do, and what you do is what you say - عدنان
Non-neediness is what Brené Brown says – is not negotiated with others, your self-worth and identity is something that you carry within yourself and has nothing to do with others.
Self-Expression:
Positive Self-Esteem:
The core element, which can transform your self esteem is ‘curiosity’ and humility. Self-confidence is having belief in your ability, while knowing that you might not have the right tools or be even solving the right problem – Adam Grant.
People Pleasing:
I think non-needy people despise manipulation, no one likes to get led down the garden path.
Boundaries:
The base premise is since we are not exploiting anyone, then we should want for them – what we prefer for ourself i.e., food, shelter, love, self-esteem and self-actualisation.
Besides, this whole notion of emotional boners, I will know what your stomach/life needs because of love is good for selling Disney movies and rom-com shows but is a terrible setting for decent humans.
Loved by:
They know that no one can see your value, if you are unable to see your value ‘first’. No one can love you, if you do not love yourself first.
Conclusion:
One thing that I truly admire about Philosophy is that it helps us understand and address imbalances (basic/mutated/self-warping) in our lives through self-reflection and compassion.
We can promote personal accountability by taking responsibility of our actions and emotions, working on our flaws and modelling that behaviour which inspires others to self-heal – as you cannot teach a man/woman anything, you can only help them find it within themselves. Don’t wish for a better life – BECOME a better life!
Sources:
- These are all not my words, I have listed the applicable sources on best endeavours basis. Most of the information is publicly available on search engines and easily accessible by readers.
- How to win friends & influence people – Dale Carnegie
- No Hard Feelings – Liz & Mollie
- The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
- Mark Manson – The subtle art of not giving a f*ck and Everything is f*cked
- Think Again – Adam Grant
- Wisdom of Insecurity – Allan Watts
- Solitude & Intimacy – Stephanie Dowrick
- Evolution of Desire – David M Buss
