This post is part of the broader series – Survival Guide to Modern Dating: Swiping Toxic Attachments, Manipulation, Fetishes and Matching Self-Discovery – The Better Way!
Note to reader: All I ask is that you entertain this post without accepting it. The purpose of this piece is to improve the view of reality and finding WHAT is right through objective evidence And NOT to preach WHO is right or to alienate, polarise, ostracise and scorn HUMANS. It is a satirical approach to promote not being entitled and antisocial towards discussing deep seated subliminal trends which shape our day to day life and social interactions. I have countered my confirmation, desirability and gender based observational bias in writing this piece and ran it with an independent, competent, objective psychologist to ensure I am not living in a make-belief world which does more disservice than adding value to one’s life. Apologies in advance for the modern day slangs and expletives!
“Love isn't something natural to humans. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of one’s own narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.” ― Fromm, Eric, The Art of Loving
When it comes to singlehood, dating rituals (chase & runner hoops and/or anxious & avoidant dance routine and/or love bomb & ghost), performance behaviours (saying what one wants to hear, being over available, yes to everything – personality alteration) and societal default trade agreement approach (benefits received & provided relationship model) to meaningful things which actually matter in life i.e., trust, respect, empathy, love, kindness, generosity etc.
The epiphany is that these (priceless) things lose their sanctity and value the moment you introduce transactionality, bargaining & conditionality into them. If you beg, manipulate, do them as perceived obligation or out of guilt of consequences of not doing them then you just used it as ‘mean to some other end’ – the very thing that ‘only’ matters if it is pursued as an ‘end within themselves’. For example, if you have to convince your dad to love you, it is better realising he doesn’t love you. If you have to cajole someone to trust you, they do not trust you. If you have to beg for someone’s company and affection, it is better to accept that they see you as an optionality where you see them as a priority. You can’t conspire for happiness – it can’t be engineered through manipulation or coerced affection!
I know how this sounds, just roll with me on this one – I do have to admit, I struggle with this narrative that there is only one person has the wisdom and depth to gauge compatibility and romantic connection in dating based on their gender. The other person has the hoops to jump, say the right words to manipulate & show performance behaviours to be liked or to make any progress with prerequisite requirement (perhaps entitlement) to submissively comply with untested, biased, self serving views of the other, again merely due to their gender.
One gender lines up at the bookstores in the ‘Love’ section, make-up section and here buy this it will make you happy section of human existence (capitalism) – again due to their gender. The other inherits the responsibility of making the (batsh*t) crazy book fantasies a reality without even knowing about them, narcissism dressed as ‘its for you babe’ and the here’s the bill for stuff someone told me is happiness…but you should pay it. Also, even though I might be antisocial, entitled, psychologically unstable but one thing I have more faith in, than even God, that’s serving me is your modus operandi and I am your ONLY true happiness – largely due to inherited societal narrative & expectation associated with the other gender.
Partly, society sells wish lists and experiences to one gender more than the other, because the other one is busy making and running the infrastructure which is needed for the selling wish lists & commercial functions. So one has a never ending wishlists and uninterrupted stream of dreams, partly unwarranted entitlement which is demanded at the expense of someone else’s – provision and sacrifice.
The silver lining of this dating world – The automatic submissive compliance, capitulation, accepting this as the ONLY and most meaningful pursuit one should and/or is supposed to want is CONVENIENTLY interpreted as the core metric for – ROMANTIC CONNECTION.
In simple words, surrendering, self worth, identity and purpose for a parochial anachronistic concept that one gender biologically ‘Has’ & ‘Is’ everything (highest need, want & achievement) what the other gender inherits as a consequence of breathing.
Both are human, therefore flawed and fallible – If we can’t see each other as humans – who can be open, feel seen, heard and understood, there is no point to this conversation. As there is no meaningful progress around knowing each other’s values/discussing approach to interest, compatibility & chemistry – or even bare minimum learn from each other as fellow species.
I feel it at times its better to wish each other well, understand you’re not right for each other and find your own happiness through self-knowledge and self improvement!
Besides, the ONLY thing common in every ‘crazy’ & ‘psycho’ you’ve met is YOU!
Therefor a more knowledgeable, progressive and less ignorant goal is to not be entitled and narcissistic around these complicated but important topics and give up our chance for meaningful, trustworthy and life enhancing relationships and related areas of life, family, children, legacy and beyond.
Not just that but also to have more meaningful interaction and social debate rather than assassination by (gender) association i.e. they are not evil, malicious, want to use you for s*x, money, loneliness & travel – they are just people on their own journey.
We only play the protagonist in our own story, not everyone else’s reality and the diversity of human experience is beyond the processing capacity of a human mind. I believe self acceptance leads to acceptance of others and makes room for collective self-improvement.
Focus on being the most interesting and remarkable version of yourself. People cannot see your value and love you, if you don't value & love yourself; there is no one to impress, improve for YOU and live well for YOU! - عدنان
I do acknowledge, it is a privilege to love and care for someone. I deeply respect and equally yearn and suffer for the ineffable requirement for life-enhancing, trustworthy & meaningful connection and love with another who will be our companion (even if only for a while).
“A yearning so great – that odes have been written throughout the centuries of stupid scribbling trying to capture it – and only a few people seem to find it but we know it is there (like one of those planets way out of the early astronomers ability to see, yet they knew it was there because of the way other celestial bodies moved around that space where it was). A yearning so great that it overrides every logical thing – every sensible or philosophical ore intellectual things, anyone, ever, could say” – Maria Issaris.
Love is the bridge between you and everything. Love is not an emotion, it’s YOUR very EXISTENCE. Love is the sea where intellect drowns and love sacrifices everything and asks for nothing – Rumi.
But this LOVE – in ancient Wisdom, Religious scripture (OG of Self-help), Sufism, Platonism to Eckhart Tolle and anything practically non-Disney and altruistic relates to being one with the formless and pure consciousness (An Axiom i.e. God). Contrary to an ‘experience’ based overlap with another ‘person’, even so for a period of time.
If love is an experience, we can’t let it define our existence, when you do that, you may lose the sense of who you are, you lose your identity, self-respect and being. In essence the innate spiritual bond of the form (matter) with the formless (God, energy, star dust). As we limited our very existence to just (another) form, an interpersonal religion. A promise of salvation from another special being, or group of beings, a belonging, featuring hope, emotional attachment and muted critical thinking…perhaps a CULT? – عدنان
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
If your love requires someone to sacrifice their identity, self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem – then you need to find better ways to love those close to you. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it.
Conclusion:
“I fundamentally believe that all dating and relationships advice is self-improvement. It all starts with self-improvement. If you want better dating opportunities, improve yourself. The only way to FIND someone amazing is to BECOME someone amazing – Mark Manson
The unfiltered and unapologetic metric for embracing singlehood is becoming physically, emotionally, intellectually, financially and spiritually better against one’s own self a week ago, a month ago, a year ago and a decade ago. In my limited opinion, at least this way you create a valued existence for the ONE and perhaps the ONLY life that you were truly responsible & accountable for; which is also the basis for all other relationships in your life.
If that is not the case then you are just in a self-sabotaging pattern of entitlement, anti-social behaviour, self-fellatio, no one is good enough, look I travel and post pictures, have expensive cars, hand bags, property & start-up portfolio, people liking my posts & want me, I slay chicks & die as a player AKA I am AWESOMELY DELUSIONAL CLUB. Also, babe I am special so no one is invited to my funeral too – I call it NATURAL SELECTION!
READ MORE: WHY Crazy people (narcissists) and their enablers a**hats (Codependents) think CONFUSION + MINDREADING + CONFLICT + DYSFUNCTIONAL ATTACHMENT = CONNECTION
and/or Modern Love: A happily every after fairy tale of psychological abuse’ riddled with gender neutral human fallacies!
My personal take on the subject - “To wisely live your life, you don’t need to know much, just remember two rules for the beginning - You better starve than eat whatever, and better be alone than with whoever” - Omar Khayyam
Disclaimer: I know despite different physiological constructs of genders, they bleed red, have two ears and eyes and more importantly are vain, self-centred, seek attention, addicted to admiration, self-serving, always dissatisfied with what they have and constantly obsess & idealise what they don’t have, look to manipulate and get manipulated for whatever they have surrender their self-worth to – as sadly they are all HUMANS and suffer from the shortcomings of being one!
Our gender & identities influence and have role to play in our existence, however, each HUMAN is responsible for their actions and behaviours – we all know way too many a**holes from all gender, identity, class, creed i.e. HUMAN spectrum! Yet, I believe there has to be a better reality that must be created that allows us to get the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE we all yearn for in our lives. I have countered my confirmation and desirability bias while writing this article, make sure you do the same while reading it.
P.S. I don’t have solution for everything, but learning without action is just intellectual and verbal m*****bation so let me know if you find a better way.
Sources:
- In the most recent surveys, men age 18 to 44 were more likely to have had no partners in the past year (16 percent) compared to women (12 percent). Men also were more likely to have had three or more partners in the past year (15 percent) compared to women (7 percent). Researchers also looked at some of the sociodemographics that can affect sexual activity, including working either full time, part time or not at all; being a student; and income. They found that compared to men working full time, those working part time, those not working and students were more likely to be sexually inactive. Men with higher incomes had a lower likelihood of being sexually inactive.
- 8.6 Australians die every day by suicide. That’s more than double the road toll (ABS, 2022). 75% of those who take their own life are male – 676 Men & 253 Women (ABS, 2022). An unknown number of Australians attempt suicide every year, with some estimates suggesting this figure may be over 65,000 (Slade et al, 2009). Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians between the ages of 15 and 44 (AIHW, 2022a). Call Life line at 13 11 14.
- Origins of Narcissism in Children – Eddie Brummelmana,b,1, Sander Thomaesb,c, Stefanie A. Nelemansd, Bram Orobio de Castrob, Geertjan Overbeeka, and Brad J. Bushmane,f
- Buss’ 1989 survey of more than 10,000 men and women from 37 cultures – famously found that, in all cultures, women valued resources and men valued physical attractiveness.
- According to Goodreads, while three-quarters of overall readers are women, 62.5% of self-help books readers are also women.
- Around 70% of divorces in US (probably most places in the world) are due to or caused by financial struggles/issues and probably same percentage (%) is the reason why men leave their older partners for younger women [60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children]. Single motherhood has grown so common in America that today 80 percent of single-parent families are headed by single mothers — nearly a third live in poverty.
- Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS): The highest proportion of homelessness in Australia is made up of Women in their 50s who are single or divorced. Females accounted for 81.7% of the 6000+ increase in national homelessness since 2016 (Total Female: 53k)
- The 2023 Global Slavery Index estimates that on any given day in 2021, there were 41,000 individuals living in modern slavery in Australia. This equates to a prevalence of 1.6 people in modern slavery for every thousand people in the country. Within Asia and the Pacific, Australia is ranked 26 out of 27 countries in terms of prevalence of modern slavery. Modern slavery includes forced marriages/relationship related abuse of humans by humans.
#9. INDIVIDUALISM empowers you to achieve your potentials but it weakens your relationships. The concept that whatever you think and do is right for you – will bring you peace at the expense of LONELINESS. So if you are afraid to be alone or starve for company then perhaps learn to COMPROMISE more – Note after three decades – One thing learnt in each year on the planet! – Adnan
